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  • Home
  • About the Community
    • Brief History
    • Event Calendar
    • Appreciating Volunteers
    • Mission - Who We Are
    • Generosity Practice
    • Ethical Standards
    • Wise Speech
    • Mindful Sharing
    • Be helpful without advice
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    • Points to Ponder
    • Sunday Morning
    • Monday Sutta Study
    • Discussion & Practice
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How to help without giving advice - FAQ

FAQ

Q:  What if they ask us directly for advice?


A:   Although it is tempting to just tell the person what we think, that  might not be the most skillful response.  If the person is trying to  avoid making a decision, it may set you up to get the blame when the  advice fails.  The person may be just avoiding the burden of  making a decision.  Decision making is often very difficult and requires  a great deal of reflective energy, gathering information, weighing pros  and cons, etc.  You may be more helpful if you ask more questions.  For  example, you may want to say, “Have you any ideas yourself about how to  solve this problem?” or “Is there anything else you might want to know  that might help you make this decision?”   Eventually, you may want to  offer what you think you would do under the circumstances with the  caveat that you aren’t sure that what works for you would work for them. 


Q:   What if what they tell us is really stupid and wrong or we can see that  they are being over reactive or oversensitive?  My instinct is to try to  help.

A:   The first thing to do if someone is emotionally dysregulated is to try  to get them to calm down.  It won’t help to say “You are being  oversensitive.” or “Stop being so touchy.”  Since emotions are contagious, it might be more helpful if you can avoid being reactive to their emotional state by responding with a calm voice or silence and active listening body language.  This helps because rather than being caught in their emotional storm, they may be caught in your emotional  calm.  I have had the experience of listening patiently and calmly to a tirade of verbal abuse (directed toward someone else) for quite a long  period and as the steam runs out, the emotional arousal dissipates and the person goes back to being their normal rational self.  At that  point, they usually recognize they were being reactive and you don’t  need to tell them.  If their reactivity is extremely high and you begin  to feel reactive, it may be better to try to gently and indirectly get  out of the situation.  You may want to come back later with a question  like “Help me understand what was going on with you yesterday.” 


Q:   What if they are hurting themselves or someone else?  “As her mother, I  know how she should be raising her children and she’s doing it all  wrong.” or “As your best friend, I can see you are being rude and  insensitive to your boyfriend and if you don’t stop it, he is going to  leave you.”


A:   That’s hard.  We are particularly invested in being right when we think we are protecting someone else.  Of course if there is violence or a  clear human rights violation, it is appropriate to intervene.  However,  if it is not a matter of safety or human rights (not always obvious), it  is helpful to adopt a cautionary stance.  Notice that in the two  examples given in the question, there was no request for help or advice.  The very first question to ask yourself is whether it is your  own discomfort that you are trying to fix or theirs.  If you have fully  clarified your own motives and come to a calm, clear mind that is motivated by kindness and compassion, perhaps you could use that “Help  me understand” approach to open the discussion of what you see.  If they  are truly doing the best they can under the circumstances, seeing the  situation more clearly may help them make a better choice.  “Help me  understand what leads you to stop at fast food restaurants for the children.”  After you listen thoroughly and validate them, you may ask  “Do you see how that could get to be a problem?” In the second case  something like the following might be more likely to get heard.  “It  puzzles me that you seemed so short with your boyfriend yesterday.  Did  you notice that?  What was that about?”


Q:  How do I tell someone not to give me advice or not to tell me what to do?


A:   The simplest statement is:  “I know you mean well and are trying to  help.  However, I am comfortable with my own ability to solve this problem.  If I actually want your advice, I will let you know.”   Sometimes this is taken as a total rejection of them as a person and they get their feeling hurt.  This can be minimized if the statement is  coupled with an acknowledgement and clarification.  “Please recognize  that I do care for you and I do respect your advice.  However, I think  it is really important that I figure this out myself.”  Or “I assure you  that I can handle this.  I am sharing this for your information about how my life is going and I would really just like you to listen and be  supportive.”  Unfortunately, if the individual is in the habit of giving  advice or being bossy, once may not be enough.  You may have to gently  remind them many times that you will ask for their advice when you want  it before their advice giving habit is broken.  
 

​If  you have questions or comments, including additional questions you  would like me to address, feel free to share them with me at catherine@bhavanacommunity.org.

Our Community Center and Yoga Studio is located at: 

106 Marshall Court, Unit 120 

Wilmington, North Carolina 28411

(just behind Bayshore Dental Excellence at 7643 Market Street)

Phone: Text or Call (910) 520-6846

  Email: admin@bhavanacommunity.org


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